she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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