Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
