you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
did you just send me my own nude
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
