I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
