Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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