So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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