My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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