Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
