Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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