it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
