Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
