Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
