Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
