Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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