My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
