Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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