I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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