I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
