If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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