She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
