those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
