i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
