Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
