I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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