Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
