The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
