Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
