Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
