first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just had sex bonerless
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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