Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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