this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
