last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
