This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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