Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
