Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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