there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
