Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
