I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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