just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he was CRYING into my vagina
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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