Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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