I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
