Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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