It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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