Fuck appropriateness.
Life is so much better after having sex.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
