I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
