I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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