help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
