Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
