I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
