all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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