I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
