I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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