tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
