Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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