i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
