i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
